Relatively Few Kittens
by BlackPaperMoon82462
Summary: CRACK Ed compiles a list of things it seems only Al is capable of doing. And believe me; Ed's going to try them all. Relatively few kittens were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
1. One & Two

**Summary: Ed compiles a list of things it seems only Al is capable of doing. And believe me; Ed's going to try them all. Relatively few kittens were harmed in the making of this fanfic.**

**A/N: Hiya everybody! This is my first fanfic, so I hope you all like it! Each chapter will probably have two or three items from Ed's list; most of the time, it will start with Al's version and Ed's attempt will follow. This will be set in the 2003 version of the anime except with the addition of Truth 'cause he's epic. reoccurring themes include: Subway sandwiches, referring to Mustang as "Colonel *insert colorful language here*", the military's psychiatric ward, and the deaths of many, many, MANY cats. However, because this story is called Relatively Few Kittens, you will see this: (*) whenever a cat meets an unfortunate end and this: (~) when a cat suffers severe mental and/or physical harm. Unless you are Roy Mustang, don't flame me.**

**Warnings: Extreme stupidity, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, and frequent Fuery bashing (nothing too bad).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I own Subway or Crayons.**

1. Call Ed short and live. (3rd person POV)

Mustang looked up from his paperwork and smirked at the red-and-gold-ticking-time-bomb in front of him. This was his favorite part of Fullmetal's visits.

"Well Fullmetal, it took a while, but I've finally found a mission befitting someone of your... stature," he stated calmly, still smirking at the short teen.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN WALK UNDER AN ANT WITHOUT HITTING HIS HEAD, COLONEL BASTARD!?" Ed exploded and tried to strangle the older alchemist.

Al just sighed and flicked Ed's ear to quiet him. It worked; Ed swore loudly but then pouted and turned away to sulk. "Brother, if it's a mission that requires a midget like you, we have to go." The older Elric just huffed.

"Alphonse..." Roy started, flabbergasted. "Did you just call your brother," he glanced warily at his subordinate, "...a you-know-what without him yelling at you?"

Al looked confused for a moment. "What? Oh. Yeah, Brother never yells at me for calling him short; watch." He took a deep breath and tapped Ed's shoulder to get his attention. "YOU'RE SO SMALL THAT MOSQUITOES REFUSE TO BITE YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BLOOD TO MAKE A DECENT SNACK! NO ONE LOVES YOU 'CAUSE EVERYONE HATES PATHETIC LITTLE MIDGETS LIKE YOU!" (1)

Ed didn't even blink.

The Flame Alchemist gaped at the armored boy. "No way."

Al smirked. "Way. Where do you think he gets all his rants? He can't come up with all of them."

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Hello everybody! My name is Linebreak-sama!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

Several rants from Al and Roy to Ed (and counter-rants from Ed to Roy) later, it was once again the Colonel's turn to insult the teen. "I got nothing," he admitted.

Al was about to reply, but suddenly, everyone's favorite genderless palm-tree came crashing through the ceiling because he's far too androgynous and... palm-treeish... to use the door. Or the window. Or a freakin' wall.

"Yo, pipsqueak! Did you shrink since the last time I saw you?" Envy mocked.

The shorty in question, however, didn't burst into one of his famous ravings. Edward Elric didn't move at all.

Al turned to the other two. "I think we broke him."

Ed's attempt (3rd person POV)

Ed sighed as he closed the door of his small military dorm bathroom behind him. 'This is never going to work,' he thought to himself, 'I do have some self control.'

With that, he looked into the mirror and said quietly, almost painfully, "I'm short."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO MINISCULE THEY WOULD BE BLOWN AWAY BY THE BREEZE WHEN SOMEONE TURNS THE PAGE OF A BOOK!?"

Ed stared at his mirror-self, dumbfounded. "Well damn."

2. Kittens. (Ed's POV)

We were in Central so I could give Colonel Jackass my report on our latest mission. Al was cuddling with the kitten he'd found/rescued/stolen from an old lady's yard and trying to think of a name for the little monster (the thing actually enjoys drinking milk for Gate's sake!).

"I think I'll name him Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII (the 17th)!" Al suddenly exclaimed.

Of course. Al always names his cats Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin the whatever. "What happened to Senor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVI (the 16th)?" I asked cautiously.

Al's metaphorical eyes darkened. "Bad things," he said quietly. (*)

We continued walking in silence.

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-sama: Why are you all staring at me?-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

I had just finished giving my report to Colonel Shithead, and we were both going out to get lunch. I opened the door to the main office...

Just in time to see Fuery punt Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII across the room (~) while screaming something about his Subway sandwich and 'that filthy, gluttonous, greedy freak of nature' (Somewhere in the world, Greed sneezed. Gluttony just said "I'm hungry"). At that exact moment, Al came back from the bathroom.

We all stood in shocked silence as we waited for Al's reaction.

Finally, I worked up the courage to speak. "Hey... Al did y-"

"Brother," Al interrupted coldly, "Could you and the others leave the room for a second? I need to have a word with Mr. Fuery."

Lieutenant Hawkeye tried to intervene before it got too bloody. "Alphonse, I really don't think-"

Al turned to her with a smile that should have been sweet and innocent but was instead very creepy and said darkly, "Miss Hawkeye, please leave the room so I can have a talk with Mr. Fuery."

On her way out, Riza nodded solemnly to Fuery. Colonel Mustang, who was following Hawkeye, mouthed "good luck" and gave the poor kitty-kicker a thumbs up, Havoc and Breda were trying (and failing) to stifle laughter, you don't want to know what Falman did, and I, while closing the door, pointed at Fuery and dragged my finger across my throat. He had it coming to him. Poor bastard.

As soon as the door was closed, we all put our ears against the door in an attempt to hear what was going on inside.

Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII meowed.

Then silence.

And more silence.

And then Fuery started screaming.

I'm not saying "Eek a bug" screaming. No. I'm talking full-on "Holy shit bloody fucking murder" screaming.

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-sama: Stop looking at me!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

When Al came out of the room, I was the only one left in the hallway; the others ran for it as soon as the screaming started.

I had to ask. "Al... Where is Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII?"

Al sniffled a bit. Then he looked at me with all seriousness and (I shit you not) said, "My aim was off. He's gone through the Great Kitty-Door in the Sky (2)(*)."

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-sama: *sitting in the corner sobbing* WHHHYYYYYYY!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

Fuery was sent to the psychiatric ward, where he spent two months muttering incoherently about "the Elric boy", "that cat", and something about crayons.

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-sama: *having a full-on mental breakdown*-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

Al and I were talking to Havoc a few weeks later about what happened. Havoc asked, "Ya know how Fuery kicked the cat because it ate his subway?"

We nodded.

Havoc grinned sheepishly. "I was the one who ate it."

Shortly thereafter, Havoc joined Fuery in the psychiatric ward. Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVIII disappeared that day. No one asked questions. (*)

Ed's Attempt (Ed's POV)

I couldn't do this one because I still have no idea what Al did with the cat... I did, however, lock Sergeant Sarcasm (aka Colonel Bastard) in his office with a rabid alley cat. Lieutenant Hawkeye shot me a few times for it but I REGRET NOTHING!

**(1) No offence to pathetic little midgets like Ed. Or short people in general. ;)**

**(2) The Gate for cats! :D**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(~)'s: 1**

**(*)'s: 3**

**A/N: So how'd I do? Good? Bad? Should I be taken to the nearest mental institution? Review and tell me!**


	2. Three & Four

**A/N: Two updates in two days! Aren't I nice? Yeah, I am. Stop being so sarcastic. Anyways, this chapter will mostly be about me making fun of everyone's names! Yay! Oh, and it's my goal to make everyone say wtf or at least giggle at the warnings/disclaimers; wish me luck!**

**Warnings: ****Extreme stupidity, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, Dante (if you watched Brotherhood, just replace 'she' with 'he', 'Dante' with 'Father', 'bitch' with 'bastard', etc.), and frequent Fuery bashing (nothing too bad).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own Subway, Crayola markers, Sharpies, Fullmetal Jousting, Loony Toons/Tweety Bird, or Elmo's World/Big Bird. I do own my ideas and Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin(s).**

3. Convince Havoc and Fuery that they are the eighth and ninth homunculi (Envy's POV)

'They can't be serious,' I thought furiously. 'No one can possibly be that stupid.'

Can they?

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Hello everybody! My name is Linebreak-dono! I will be replacing Linebreak-sama while he is... recovering.-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

It happened last week while I was training (read as "beating the shit out of") Wrath. Two idiots from the Fullmetal pipsqueak's group burst into the room insisting that they were the long-lost eighth and ninth homunculi. Across the room, I heard Sloth whisper, "Long-lost and never wanted," to Lust. They giggled. Ugh. Girls.

Dante, being the evil bitch that she is, decided to make my life Hell and agreed with the two soldiers. She then gave them their not-so-new names: Fury and Havoc.

Just thinking about it gives me the urge to face-palm.

The next day, Dante told me to take the two newest "homunculi" with me on my intelligence mission. Needless to say, I told her she was a crazy bitch.

"They aren't even real homunculi!" I screeched.

"I beg to differ," Fuery, or Fury, contradicted. He and Havoc were obnoxiously poking each other's ouroboroses (ourobori?), which were on their right cheek and forehead respectively. The tattoos normally would have proven that they were, in fact homunculi, but I had seen Lust drawing them in red crayola marker last night. Everyone knows the homunculi tattoos are drawn in sharpie!

That wasn't the only thing about them that had changed, though.

Havoc was wearing a white shirt under a tight jacket in the typical homunculi blackish-purple and a pair of matching pants. He looked cool, but he wasn't the problem. Fury was... he was... HE WAS WEARING MY GATEDAMN CLOTHES!

Seeing my anger, Fury asked, "Does this skirt make me look androgynous?"

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: Uhh...You guys are starting to scare me.-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

After thoroughly beating them within an inch of their lives (Fuery more so than Havoc), I left the idiots bleeding on the doorstep of Central Command and went to find/violently murder the pipsqueak. Because I know he had something to do with this.

Ed's Attempt (Envy POV)

I was about to walk out of the alley I had been hiding in when I heard the Fullmetal pipsqueak's brother speak.

"I said no Brother!"

"Aw, come on Al; it won't-"

"I'm not going to compete in a jousting competition(1) just because I don't have a body and therefore can't lose!"

'That's... an awesome idea,' I thought. 'Maybe I should learn jousting too.' I sprang from my hiding spot and prepared to rip the pipsqueak to shreds. That was my favorite skirt, after all!

As if sensing my intentions (or maybe he saw my murderous glare), the shrimp screamed, "IT WAS AL'S IDEA! IT ISN'T MY FAULT!" and ran like hell.

I turned to Al.

"I convinced Havoc and Brother talked Fuery into it," Al admitted.

Nodding, I chased after the chibi.

4. Use various bird puns on Hawkeye without being threatened at gunpoint (3rd person POV)

Al was waiting in the office as usual while Ed was giving his report to the Colonel. Havoc was smoking and plotting Mustang's violent murder (that bastard had stolen another of his girlfriends, damnit!). Breda and Falman were playing (Falman was cheating at) cards, and Fuery was eating a Subway sandwich while glaring at Al (for obvious reasons). Suddenly, a streak a fur coming from somewhere suspiciously near Al bolted across the room, stole Fuery's sandwich, and ran away so fast they couldn't tell where it went.

And Fuery screamed like a little girl.

"What!? What's wrong!?" a certain blonde lieutenant asked frantically as she ran into the room.

All the men in the room (and Alphonse) looked at each other and then at Hawkeye. It was too good an opportunity to pass up. simultaneously, (and in their best Tweety Bird impressions) they chorused, "We ta we ta a putty tat!"

Hawkeye was getting tired of all the bird puns. She pulled out her favorite pistol, enjoying how the men (and Alphonse) cowered. The pissed off Lieutenant pointed the gun in a seemingly random direction and pulled the trigger.

A muffled yowl could be heard. (*)

"You did. You did ta a putty tat," she said as she left the room, leaving them in awe of her total badassery.

All of them except Alphonse. "NO!" Al screamed, "Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVIV (the 19th)! NOOOO!"

Hughes, who had just walked in, whistled slowly. "How hawkward." He then fled for his life as he heard the sound of a safety being turned off.

Ed's Attempt (Mustang POV)

I awoke (as usual) to the sound of gunshots. "I WAS ONLY RESTING MY EYES LIEUTENANT, I SWEAR!" I yelled before covering my face with my hands and waiting for my doom.

Muffled shrieking could be heard through the closed door leading to the main office. "COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE TWERP!"

I gasped. Hawkeye was... yelling? At someone other than me? Impossible. No one (other than me) is stupid/brave enough to-

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE-" Bang! Bang! Bang! "OW! YOU FUCKING SHOT ME!"

I whacked my head on my desk. Repeatedly. Of course it would be Fullmetal. But what did he do?

My question was answered a moment later in the form of Edward Elric, Hero of the People and Fullmetal Alchemist, begging for his life.

"I wasn't calling you fat Miss Hawkeye! Big Bird really is a character on a little kids' show! Don't kill me!"

I heard the click of a trigger being pulled but no shots followed. I started trembling then; you don't know the meaning of beyond pissed off until you've seen Hawkeye when she runs out of ammo.

"Oh thank Gate, you're putting the pistol away. Thank- IS THAT AN AK-47!? SHIT! NO NO NO NO NO N-"

KABOOM!

'Damnit,' I thought as I stared at the ceiling. 'I really liked that couch. Oh yeah, and Fullmetal. He was cool too. But that poor couch...' I sighed and went back to my paperwork.

**(1) Fullmetal Jousting anyone? Anyone? *sigh* Just go look it up.**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 4**

**(~)'s: 1**

**A/N: So how was it? Please review to tell me! (PS: Hyper V gets a cookie for being the first person to review! *pets head* Don't worry; they aren't real kitties and I promise not to get any more graphic than I already have.)**


	3. Five & Six & Seven

**A/N: Okay, so I know Ed's attempt in #3 technically isn't an attempt; it's more like a convinent time skip and a continuation of the story. ^^; Sorry about that, but hey, Al still got away with it and Ed still failed so it's all good right? Oh, and #7 in this chapter will have Ed's and Al's attempts combined in one main scene.**

**Warnings: Extreme stupidity, Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, an insane Colonel Mustang, and Fuher Bradley as Pride (you can think of him as Wrath, but it works better if he's Pride).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own My Little Pony, Twilight, Goldfish, or Phoenix Wright.**

5. Humiliate Fuher Bradley/Pride without dying a horrible, horrible death (Fuher Bradley/Pride POV) (A/N: this is after Al finds about the Fuher being a homunculus, but before they leave)

"Mister Fuher, sir?" a small voice asked.

I almost killed the speaker immediately and was already planning how to get rid of the body, but I restrained myself when I saw it was the younger Elric boy. _'We need him,'_ I reminded myself sternly.

"Yes Alphonse? What did you need?" I asked with a faked smile. _'Just _try_ to say something disrespectful, punk. I _dare_ you,'_ I thought evilly.

The suit of armor looked down shyly. "It's just... can I dye and cut your hair to look like Armstrong's, steal your shirt, pour a bucket of glitter all over you, tattoo an m-rated picture of Rainbow Dash with Pinkie Pie and 'I *heart* My Little Pony' across your chest, take a ton of pictures, post them on the internet **(A/N: I know they don't have internet, but just pretend 'kay?)** with the caption 'Broniness has been passed down the Bradley line for generations', hand out printed copies to everyone in the military plus all the homunculi, and thereby ruin your reputation and life?" Alphonse asked innocently.

I don't know why, and I knew I would regret it for the rest of my miserable life, but for some reason, I felt compelled to say, 'Why of course Alphonse.'

And I did.

Ed's Attempt (Fuher Bradley/Pride POV)

"If Edward Elric values his pathetic little human life, he will not even think about trying whatever it is he is planning," I stated without looking up.

A muffled (but still inhumanly loud) voice screamed from behind the door: "WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE GETS STUCK IN SPIDER WEBS, BASTARD!?"

I smirked/smiled creepily and went back to my paper work. "Strange..." I murmured, "I have the sudden urge to torture and kill something adorable and defenceless. Like a cat." (~)(*)

6. Feline Transmutation (Ed's POV)

"Soon, Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XX (the 20th), soon you will be back with us," Al muttered, causing everyone within hearing range to fear for what's left of his sanity.

I grinned upon remembering Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XX's, ahem, last moments. Colonel Fuckmonkeys had flown into a rage when he found the shredded remains of his favorite gloves. Without his weapon of choice he... well, let's just say he repeated Fuery's mistakes (~). Except in a considerably more violent fashion (*). The only reason he didn't join Fuery in the psychiatric ward was because there were simply no more cats in the area. Lucky bastard.

Hawkeye made us promise (on threat of death) never to tell Mustang or Al that it was Black Hayate who chewed up the gloves.

Anywho... "I know you don't have much to lose Al," I began, looking pointedly at Al's metal body, "so I won't try to stop you, but I have to ask; who or what the fuck convinced you this was a good idea?"

"The fairies," Al replied simply before slamming his hands onto the huge transmutation circle in front of him.

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: Why do I get the feeling you want to eat me?-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

I gaped in shock when Al came out of the room carrying a very-much-alive Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XX. (I had run away screaming when the blue alchemic light turned pink and sparkly because of bad memories and... other Edwards associated with sparkles (1).)

"But... How... What did you lose?" I stuttered.

Al giggled. Giggled! "Truth was too mindfucked that I'd actually done it to take anything serious. He took away my ability to transmute anything cat-related ever again."

Ed's Attempt (Hawkeye's POV)

"Good Gate, Fullmetal, what happened to your face!?"

'Well that's not what you want to hear upon entering your commanding officer's office,' I thought as I watched the Elrics trapeze through the door.

"Well you see Colonel Asshat, Al and I tried to perform Feline Transmutation, -don't ask- but when I got to the Gate, I guess I broke what's left of Truth's sanity and he kinda snapped. He punched me in the face, chucked the cat at me, and told me to 'gtfo' -whatever that means."

The Colonel stood there gaping at the young alchemists for a second. Then he sighed. "Where are the cats?" he asked in a tone of resignation.

Edward grinned as he stepped to the side and opened Alphonse's chestplate. Free at last, the two newly resurrected felines jumped out. The first was Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XX. The second one was named Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XVII (2).

Fuery, who had been doing paperwork with the others until that point, suddenly looked up. As soon as he saw the cat, all of his newly regained sanity was brutally murdered and the stupid cat took a piss on its grave. metaphorically speaking of course. **(A/N: That's what you think Lieutenant.)**

"AHHHHHHH! ZOMBIES! DIIIIIEEEEEE!" he screamed. And then he did something that proved to everyone in the room exactly how unstable he was.

He stole my gun.

And used it to shoot Al's cat. (*)

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: Stay back! I'm warning you! Wait, what are you- AAAHHHHH!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

The doctors didn't know whether to put him in the hospital for the gunshot wounds or the psychiatric ward for whatever the hell Al did with the cat (*), so they left him in an alley somewhere. I laughed.

7. Understand Mustang's speeches (3rd person POV) (A/N: This is set shortly after the Nina incident)

Colonel Mustang looked each Elric in the eyes (or lack thereof) before speaking. "You can't just give up because someone has died; they wouldn't want that. Besides, a part of them lives on in our memories, so in a way, it's like they're still here eating your Goldfish and watching you while you sleep-"

"WHAT!?" Ed spluttered violently.

Mustang payed no heed to the young alchemist who appeared to be choking. "-Because no matter what my therapist says, imaginary friends are real, damnit, and that means the happy memories of them are real too! They're real and I know there's more joy out there somewhere; all you have to do is hunt it down, set it on fire, and dance naked in the moonlight as it screams in agony." Roy smiled as if recalling a fond memory before continuing, "It's okay to eat a healthy serving of angstmuffins every now and then, but if you eat too many, you'll get fat. And then Hawkeye will mistake you for Gluttony and shoot you in the forehead. And who's cookies would I steal then, huh!?" He pointed an accusing finger at Fuery (Phoenix Wright style). "I can't steal Fuery's; he's allergic to chocolate! ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE, DAMNIT!"

The office was quiet as everyone waited for the Flame to regain composure and stop seething.

"So..." Ed asked tentatively when he had recovered from nearly choking to death, "You're saying we should stop blaming ourselves and move on with our lives?"

The Colonel snickered and was soon on the floor, clutching his stomach with tears streaming down his face as he laughed his ass off.

Ed was completely bewildered. "But... then what the hell was Colonel Batshit talking about!?"

"I think I get it, Brother," Al responded quietly. He turned to Mustang, who was still giggling, but had managed to at least stand up. The younger Elric nodded sagely and pulled a giant chocolate-chip cookie from Gate-knows-where, offering it to the still grinning man.

Roy took the treat and waved it tauntingly in his subordinate's face. "See, Fullmetal?" he asked, his mirth-filled eyes glinting with mischief, "Alphonse gets it."

**(1) *cough*sparklingfairypansyEdwardCul len*cough***

**(2) The cat from the incident in #2**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 8**

**(~)'s: 3**

**A/N: Okay, I have read through all these chapters so many times that I honestly don't think any of the jokes are very funny anymore, so I need you people to tell me what you like and what you don't! I personally like these better than the others, but that's probably because these are newer. So leave a review**!


	4. Eight & Nine

**A/N: Omg you guys are so awesome! When I went to bed last night I only had three reviews (all from Hyper V who gets another cookie for being awesome) and when I logged on today I had eight! I love you guys so much! Huggles for everybody! *huggles* And because of your extreme epicness (and because I already had the chapter written out ^_^), I will update again today! Aren't I a nice authoress? *hears sarcastic reply and pulls out Hawkeye's gun* What'd you say? I didn't quite catch that. *hears everyone agreeing* Yeah, that's what I thought you said. Oh, and in #9, Ed's attempt will be a continuation of Al's version. It's kinda like a 'morning after' kind of thing.**

**And I shall now reply to the lazy people/people who don't have accounts:**

**Guest: The race is on! Me, you, and Mustang in a race to the funny factory! Onward! And is kicking yourself in the face even possible? Btw the speech was inspired by the one in Fruits Basket, but I doubt anyone can recognize it. ;D**

**Kin no Ryu: Pfft. Ah, laziness. :D And isn't that what brothers are for?**

**Warnings: May cause explosions of the mind (Heh. Sorry 'bout that Hyper V). Contains extreme stupidity, Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, one very VERY awkward scene (you'll know it when you see it), Truth (I know he's not in the original anime but he's awesome so just pretend), fangirls, mentions of yaoi (no actual yaoi though), and the breaking of the fourth wall.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own Fanfiction, 4chan, or the movie Inception.**

8. Explain logic to rabid fangirls without dying (Truth's POV)

I sighed dramatically. That poor Elric boy... He's sooo dead.

"You guys like Brother right?" Al reasoned, "Then why do you pair him up with people like Roy and Envy!? Don't you want him for yourselves?"

I shake my head. 'If that idiotic chunk of metal has any sense whatsoever, he'll stop talking now.' But of course, I already knew he wouldn't.

"And what's with all the yaoi anyway? Most of you are girls; shouldn't you want him to be straight?" Al yelled. "Seriously, you're all completely batshit! And what about the fangirls who say shit like, 'If I lurv him enuff, he haz to lurv me bak cuz he believes in Equivalent Exchange, ne? Omg lol brb,' to their friends?" What are you, five years old? That just means something of equal value! Maybe he hates you just as much as you love him!"

'It seems young Alphonse has crossed a line,' I thought inwardly. 'Maybe they'll kill him,' I mused. (1)

Sure enough, the horde, acting as a single entity, turned towards Al and attempted to claw his nonexistent eyes out. Before they could however, their short attention spans were redirected to the sight of the homunculus Envy (in disguise of course, but these fangirls know almost as much about the goings on in Amestris as me, and I'm Truth for Gate's sake!) stalking an unaware Colonel Mustang. The demented human girls were completely distracted by this and promptly forgot all about Al and his foolish ideas.

I sighed in relief. The boy's death would have been entertaining; fangirl maulings are notoriously violent and bloodthirsty after all, but I really don't have the time nor mental stability to deal with a homunculus named Bi-Polar. (2)

Ed's Attempt (Truth's POV)

Edward Elric spent a total of three months in the military's psychiatric ward screaming about fangirls, yaoi, tentacle rape, and something called "Fanfiction". He refuses to say anything more than that.

I am intrigued. It appears this "Fanfiction" is one more of the few things I don't yet know about. I wonder if it has anything to do with that "4chan" thing that Lust keeps telling me about? I shudder. If so, I must destroy it.

9. Break the fourth wall (3rd person POV)

Ed and Al were drunk. Not tipsy. Not even normal drunk. They were full-on "'OhmaifuckingGateI'mdrowning!' 'Dude, that's your spit.' 'Oh. Thanks man.'" drunk. And for everyone around them, it was fucking hilarious.

"Bruver!" Al tried to grab Ed but only succeeded in poking him in the eye.

"Yesh Jeff?" Ed had forgotten Al's name about four drinks ago. He was also rubbing the wrong eye.

"Ah fink ah wet ma shelf!" (Translation: "I think I wet myself!")

"Yur ah shute a armor, Sid." (Translation: "You're a suit of armor, Sid.")

"Oh yeah!" Al now appeared to be deep in thought. "Bruver, wut if we aren't real? Wut if ar livesh ar used for the entertainment a hordes a teenagered gurlsh from anudder dimension?" If it weren't for the slight slurring of words and the fact that he was now hanging from the rafters like a pinata with no clue how he had gotten there, he would have looked completely sober. (Translation: "Brother, what if we aren't real? What if our lives are used for the entertainment of hordes of teenaged girls from another dimension?")

"Whuzzat, Kevin?" Ed replied intelligently from the ground.

Bricks and dust were falling from the ceiling (3), but Al kept going. "Duh Gate leads to anudder wurld right? Maybe duh Gate is duh fourth wall!" Al gasped suddenly, "And since duh Gate knowsh everything," Al proceeded to shake Ed vigorously, "that meansh the fourth wall broke duh fourth wall!" (Translation: "The Gate leads to another world right? Maybe the Gate is the fourth wall!" "And since the Gate knows everything, that means the fourth wall broke the fourth wall!")

'Oh look it's raining bricks again,' Ed thought as he puked all over the floor from being shaken. "Inception, Trevor. Inception." Finally satisfied that he had "remembered" his brother's name, Ed promptly passed out.

Ed's Attempt (3rd person POV)

Ed woke up naked in Mustang's office next to the equally naked bodies of Hawkeye, Breda, Maria Ross, and (please try not to vomit all over your computers) Fuher Bradley.

"Shit!" Ed flinched as the sound assaulted his hungover head. 'What the fuck happened last night!?' Ed wondered. A series of muddled, vague memories appeared in his mind. 'Something involving enough alcohol to kill several cats (***), pinatas, a dude named Jeff or something, and Al... counting walls? Four?'

The severely hungover teen was then beaten into unconsciousness by a leftover brick that did not come from the remains of the fourth wall and was definitely not thrown by Truth.

**(1) Lol this line always reminds me of that book I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly because it says "Perhaps she'll die." I always thought it was funny how nonchalant the author was about that. It's like saying "Oh, look that fat old lady is dying. Let's watch."**

**(2) For those of you who don't get it, if Al died, Ed would try to bring him back to life, thereby creating a homunculus Al. Alphonse is usually the poster boy for innocence, but (in my mind at least) he has a tendency to... snap occasionally. A homunculus named Bi-Polar. I am not saying that being bi-polar is a sin. **

**(3) The fourth wall has to be made of something right?**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 11**

**(~)'s: 3**

**A/N: How was I at writing drunk Ed and Al? Sorry if you can't read it; just try to sound it out okay? I know Ed technically completed #8 because he didn't die, but I'm pretty sure tentacle rape counts as dying. *shudders* And Al only _almost_ died. And yes, I did kinda cheat with the whole 'enough alcohol to kill three cats' thing. :P Anyways, I've noticed that my chapters are getting shorter. Should I make each chapter longer but update less frequently? Review and tell me!**


	5. Ten

**A/N: What's up mine peeps? So, this chapter only has one number/thing *dodges various items being thrown at me* but it has 10 mini stories in it! *items stop* See? I'm not going to make you wait and then give you a crappy chapter! I'm nicer than that! _ Sometimes...**

**Warnings: May cause explosions of the mind. Contains extreme stupidity, Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens (there aren't many cats in this chapter, but there are a few cows), major misuse of fire, a slightly disturbing mental image involving cows, and Major Armstrong (yes he deserves to be in the warnings).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own Kool-aid, Spongebob Squarepants, or the Fantastic Four. I do, however, own Linebreak-dono and all Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin's.**

10. Steal Mustang's gloves and use them to fulfill your every pyro fantasy (Random POV switching)

(3rd person POV)

Maria Ross gaped at the pile of ashes in front of her. "How could the _entire_ First Library burn down in _one_ night!?"

"It must have been the homunculi," Ed declared.

Al was confused. "But Brother, weren't _we_ the ones who-"

Ed cut him off, "No, it was definitely the homunculi."

"Really?" Al just didn't know when to take the hint and shut the hell up. "But I clearly remember us stealing the Colonel's gloves and-"

"_Homunculi_, Al."

Suddenly, Sergeant Brosh, whom they had all been ignoring as usual because he never really does anything (Ed had even forgotten his name and kept calling him Nick), spoke up, "Hey, why is 'The Elrics Were Here. Mwahahaha.' scorched into this wall?"

The two bodyguards turned to Ed and Al.

"Uhh... We were framed?"

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: Okay, Moon-chan explained that you don't really want to eat me _**(A/N: *cough* lies! *cough*)**_ so I'm back! ...Please stop looking at me like that.-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

(Havoc's POV)

No way. The chief and Fuery were... singing? Together? Did someone spike the kool-aid?

"Let's gather 'round the campfire, and sing our campfire song! Our c-a-m-p-f-i-r-e-s-o-n-g song! And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if. You just sing. Alooonnnnggggg!" (1)

It had sounded like a good idea when Ed had suggested it. Who knew stealing Mustang's gloves and using them to roast marshmallows in the Fuher's office would end so badly?

I sighed when I saw Breda slipping an empty bottle of tequilla his jacket and walked over to get a cup of the now alcoholic kool-aid. After tripping over an unconsious Falman, I thought to myself, 'It's gonna be a looong day. And where the hell did that bastard Mustang run off to with my girlfriend!?'

"Bum, bum, buuummmm... C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G SONG!"

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: *shivers* Seriously you guys.-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

(3rd person POV)

Hawkeye marched into the library in which the Elrics had been researching a new lead. "Edward. Would you care to explain as to why Fuery's eyebrows have been singed off?"

Ed didn't even look up as he turned the page of his book. "Homunculi."

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: ...I'm starting to think Moon-chan lied to me. _**(A/N: Now why would I do that? _)**_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

(3rd person POV)

KABOOM!

"DAMNIT, FULLMETAL!"

"GO TO HELL COLONEL DOUCHENOZZLE!"

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: Do you guys always look at people like you want to steal their face and wear it around like a mask on Halloween? Because that's what you guys look like.-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

(Mustang's POV)

"Sir, a local dairy farm has been destroyed and the owner is demanding payment," Riza reported unemotionally. Or at least she tried to; she was smirking in a manner that screamed 'I know something you don't and I'm going to torture you with this fact'.

"...Why is the owner requesting the payment from the military?" I asked suspiciously. 'It's not like it was _our_ fault-'

"It seems several of the cows caught fire and were killed. The rest spontaneously combusted. Traces of alchemical energy were found at the scene as well." How she said this with a straight face, I will never know.

"And they suspect...?"

"You, sir," She answered calmly. She was still smirking though.

"But it couldn't have been me! I don't have my gloves; they were stolen by the shri- FULLMETAL WHEN I FIND YOU, YOU ARE GOING TO FRY!"

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: *waving around a pointy stick* GET BACK YOU EVIL DEMONS!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

(Falman POV)

I looked questioningly at the disheveled figure in front of me. "Ed, where are your eyebrows?"

The teen in question blushed and looked down, embarrassed. "Homunculi."

Bullshit.

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: *muttering incoherently to himself*-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

(Al's POV)

"Brother, I really don't think-"

"Don't worry, Al! This plan is foolproof!"

Yeah. Foolproof. That's why everyone else ran when you brought it up. Mentally, I sighed. Stupid Brother. "FLAME ON!"

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: Why does Moon-chan hate me?! __**(A/N: No one calls me '-chan' buddy.)**__-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

(3rd person POV)

Al walked beside his brother on their way to headquarters. "Brother, have you seen Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XXI?" Al asked.

Ed hesitated. "Err... The homunc-"

"Damnit Brother! That was the first cat to last more than a week!"

Ed tried (and failed miserably) to calm the furious suit of armor that was his brother. "Well technically, it's still alive; I only set it on fire a _little_." (~)

"YOU DID _WHAT_!?"

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: They're gonna eat meeee! I'm gonna diiiiieeee!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

(3rd person POV)

"EDWARD ELRIC!" Major Armstrong said/shouted as he embraced the poor midget, "IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE WE LAST SAW EACH OTHER! "

"It's good to see you too, Major. Now could you please stop trying to _shatter my ribcage_!?" Ed replied while attempting to breathe.

"NONSENSE YOUNG ELRIC! THIS HUG HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GEN-" the huge man paused for a second. "THAT IS VERY ODD; YOU SEEM TO SMELL LIKE SMOKE! EDWARD HAVE YOU TAKEN TO SMOKING CIGARETTES?"

Ed tried to decide which answer would get him out of the awkward bone-crushing hug first. "Umm... Kinda?"

"A CHILD YOUR AGE SHOULD NOT BE SMOKING, EDWARD! IT IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH!" the man roared (Yes, roared. A few poor, unfortunate bystanders went deaf.) and immediately released the short alchemist.

"You mean you don't smoke, Major?" Al asked, shocked. Everyone in the military smoked. Even Hawkeye kept a pack of cigarettes in her desk for Friday afternoons and Monday mornings (those are the times at which Colonel Lazyass is at his laziest).

"OF COURSE NOT YOUNG ALPHONSE! MY GOODNESS, THE MILITARY HAS GIVEN YOUR BROTHER A HORRIBLE HABIT! WE MUST HELP HIM! AFTER ALL, THE ABILITY TO MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!"

Armstrong looked around in an attempt to locate and lecture Ed, but was surprised to find that the blonde with the milkphobia had fled as soon as he had been released.

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Linebreak-dono: *wimpering pitifully* _**(A/N: Damnit people! Stop making my linebreaks have mental breakdowns! If you keep this up, I'll have to start using Fanfiction's **-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

(Ed's POV)

"Aren't those the Pyro Colonel's gloves pipsqueak? Let me see 'em!"

"Damnit Palmtree, don't sna-"

BOOM!

Both Envy and I stopped trying to murder each other as we gaped in awe at the sight before us. The building across the street had literally evaporated. Poof.

"Oops, gotta go pipsqueak!" Envy called back to me as he bolted down the street.

A moment later, Al came running from the opposite direction Envy had gone and immediately started screeching at me, "What happened here, Brother!?"

"It was the hom-"

Al interrupted angrily, "Brother, we both know it wasn't the homunculi; it never is! Now what did you do!?"

"But-" I didn't do it this time!

"No 'buts' Brother!" Al scolded, sounding like a beyond-pissed-off mother. "You are going to rebuild the entire building and apologise to the owners!"

"...Yes ma'am."

We stared at each other incredulously as we realised what I had just said. Then I ran for my life.

**(1) The Campfire Song Song! (no that is not a typo) It's from Spongebob in case you've never heard it.**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 11**

**(~)'s: 4**

**A/N: Wow, only one kitten in this chapter and it didn't even die! I need to step it up a notch! Lol I couldn't stop giggling at the part with the cows! The bad part was that I was writing it in class... Eh, whatever. How was it? Worth the wait? Tell me please! Reviews get virtual cookies! With extra virtual chocolate chips!**


	6. Eleven & Twelve

**A/N: Sorry this took so long! I had a serious case of writer's block for a while, but now I'm back and (hopefully) better than ever! Oh, and in #11, the country names are just the ones the vaguely sounded like each character's name. They don't have any hidden meanings. Now on with the story!**

**Warnings: May cause explosions of the mind. Contains extreme stupidity, Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, and the death and/or torture of kittens.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own G. I. Joes or Weight Watchers. I do, however, own all Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin's.**

11. Declare war on each other (3rd person POV)

"Did you hear about what happened this morning with Roy, Ed, and Al?" A certain Lieutenant Colonel asked his best friend's subordinates as he sat down in the cafeteria for lunch.

Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Fuery all shook their heads. They'd all run screaming from the office as soon as Ed came back from his mission looking ready to kill everything in sight.

Hughes leaned over the table and whispered in a conspiratorial way, "Apparently, to teach the Elrics about foreign affairs and politics, the Fuher ordered Roy, Ed, and Al to pretend to be countries for the day," he shook his head sadly, "and it only took five minutes for them to declare war on each other."

At this, Fuery and Breda snickered while Falman snorted. Havoc, sensing that there was more to the story, asked, "For what reasons? I mean, aren't they at least trying to take it seriously? It's an assignment from the Fuher himself afterall!"

Hughes just sighed. "From what I heard, Roy called Ed short and he just blew up. Boom. Instant war."

"What about Al?" Falman inquired, "He's usually the voice of reason; besides, why would he declare war on his brother?"

_-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-Flashback!-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-_

"Honestly Fullmetal, just because I stated a simple fact that happened to offend you does not give you the right to declare war," the smug Colonel admonished.

Ed just huffed. "I also have reason to believe that you are sending spies into my country!" he argued.

"I'm telling you Fullmetal, Hawkeye was just over there to gather papers I needed to sign! And anyways, if I wanted to spy on you, I could just look over your shoulder; I mean, you _are_ short enough."

Just as Ed was about to explode, Al interrupted. "Hey, aren't we supposed to be negotiating imports and exports?"

"Ah, yes thank you Alphonse," Mustang responded before looking down at the list of items that his 'country' needed to import and smirking. "It seems the people of Royssia **(A/N: It's like Russia but with Roy ^^)** would like to import shrimp from Edgypt **(A/N: Egypt.)**." The bastard looked pointedly at Ed.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN HAVOC'S P-" (1)

Once again, Al interrupted, but this time it was in a more frantic voice. "Has anyone seen Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XXII!?"

Roy glanced at the limp form laying across the room. (*) "Ed did it."

Said blonde pipsqueak was outraged. "I did not! You did!"

"Prove it."

"It's on fire!"

"So?"

Al had had enough. "Stop! You both killed him! Therefore, I hereby declare war on both of you!"

The raven-haired man was shocked into silence be Al's outburst. The blonde midget was not so lucky. "On what grounds!?" he demanded.

Al picked up the nearest throwable item (which happened to be an apple) and chucked it violently at his brother's head. "That cat was Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XXII, royal ambassador of TransALvania!" **(A/N: Transylvania. Did I really have to explain that one?)**

Ed's attempt (Hawkeye's POV)

I calmly walked into the room where the three idio- I mean men- were playing war. It really wasn't even a hypothetical battle of politics anymore. Have you ever seen the aftermath of a couple of little boys playing with an insane amount of G. I. Joes? The two scenes were almost identical. Except this one had more alchemy.

There were thousands of little figurines scattered throughout the room, and while some were standing upright, most were knocked over or 'dead'. It was easy to tell which figures belonged to which 'country': the ones with antennae were Edward's, the females in miniskirts were the Colonel's, and the cats were obviously Alphonse's.

Ignoring the apparent carnage, I turned to the three who had caused the mess. "Has anyone seen Black Hayate?"

Both Roy and Alphonse glanced spitefully at Edward.

Edward grinned proudly up at me (this is because he was sitting on the floor, not because he is a ridiculously short runt of a pipsqueak) and stated cheekily, "He's being held as a prisoner of war!"

I gave him a deadpanned look. "...And why is that?"

"Because Al's cat soldiers hate dogs and Colonel Fartsniffer knows better than to attack something that is anywhere near your dog. I mean, Black Hayate is the best hostage ever!"

That. Complete. Dumbass! "Edward, I would appreciate it if you released my dog. Now," I requested in a tone that let everyone (except, apparently, Edward Elric) know that what I really ment was, "Give me the damn dog or I will murder everything and everyone you love."

Edward was still grinning, not having realized the danger he was in. "No can do Lieutenant; I need h- Is that a new gun?"

'Yes. Yes it is,' I thought as I clicked the safety off.

12. Get Gluttony to go on a diet (3rd person POV)

"He's seen too much," Lust drawled slowly as she gazed dispassionately as the trembling man in front of her.

"Can I eat him?" Gluttony asked excitedly.

"Sure. Why n-"

Suddenly, the man fell to the floor, dead, with a bullet wound on his forehead. Envy sprinted into the room holding a gun. "WAIT! Bad Gluttony! You know you're on a diet!"

Gluttony whined and started to suck his thumb in that adorable way that makes him look like he's not a crazed psychopath who likes to eat babies. "But I'm so hungry."

The fat homunculus started to reach for Bullet-to-the-Head Guy, but pulled back with a whimper **(A/N: Awwwww! ^-^)** when Envy squirted him with a cheap water gun. "Bad Gluttony! No!" he scolded.

"And why have you put Gluttony on a diet?" Lust asked disinterestedly.

Envy growled, "Are you kidding me!? This guy," he poked Gluttony's stomach for emphasis (it jiggled)," is a feakin' huge-ass tub of lard! I don't think even a _homunculus_ would survive if he fell on one of us! I mean, good _Gate_!"

Lust just stared blankly at him. And then, "We could put him on Weight Watchers with Sloth," she suggested.

Now it was Envy's turn to stare blankly. "...Alright, since you obviously have no intention of telling me, I'll ask. Why is Sloth on Weight Watchers?"

"She was a middle-aged, single mother when she died."

"Point taken."

Ed's Attempt (Lust's POV)

The Elrics regretted their actions when Gluttony grew so hungry that he ate Alphonse's new kitten. (*) Those foolish humans. Now that I think about it, I should be cursing my _beloved brother_, Envy, as well. He _did_ start this whole mess in the first place. They always make me clean up their Gatedamn messes. Do they know how many villages will have to 'disappear' before Gluttony stops complaining!?

**(1) Paycheck. Get your minds out of the gutter, people. ;)**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 13**

**(~)'s: 4**

**A/N: So how was I? Feel free to complain/criticise because most of this was written and edited at 11 o'clock at night. :( And like I said in the beginning of the chapter, I've been having some serious writer's block, so if any of you have some good ideas, I would really appreciate them!**

**Review!**


	7. Twelve and a Half

**A/N: Why, hello everybody! Since Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, I'm going to put up a special Halloween chapter! It woon't be as long as most chapters, but I was rushing okay? And I still didn't get to post it yesterday even though I tried really hard! :( Oh well. Onward!**

**Warnings: May cause explosions of the mind. Contains extreme stupidity, Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, disturbing mental images, and Twilight bashing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own Naruto, Transformers, Twilight, Sailor Moon, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Inspector Gadget, Power Rangers, Wonder Woman, Playboy, the Lion King, Hershey's chocolate, or M&M's.**

12 1/2. Trick-or-Treating! (random POV switching)

(3rd person POV) Flashback to Ed and Al's childhood!

The two boys waved goodbye to their mother as they were about to leave to go trick-or-treating with their friend, Winry.

"Bye boys! And remember; don't get into the van unless they _show_ you the xbox!"

"And if they have candy!" Ed added.

"And a puppy!" Al chimed in.

"That's right. And make sure it's a nice van; if it looks run-down, don't go with them! Have fun, boys!" She waved as they ran down the hill to Winry's house. (1)

(Al's POV)

"What are you supposed to be, Brother?" I asked cheerfully. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.

Ed just looked at me like I was crazy. "Can't you tell? I'm Naruto Uzumaki!"

I looked at him disbelievingly. It looked like he'd only changed his cloak orange and put on a headband.

"Brother, that's not even a Konoha headband. Isn't that the Wind Village's symbol?"

"Shut up. What are you going to be Mister I-know-everything-about-Naruto-so-I'm-way-cooler-than-my-brother?" Ed asked me mockingly.

I put my hands on my hips and stood proudly like a superhero. "I'm going to be a knight in shining armor!"

I don't know why Brother started giggling.

"Pff. But y-you're _only_ a suit of armor!" Ed had to pause while he tried to stop snickering, "You're a suit of armor every day!"

"That's mean, Brother!" How dare he make fun of my idea!

"And that idea is lame. Wait, I have a plan!" Ed pulled out several cans of red and blue spray paint from thin air (screw the Law of Equivalent Exchange!) and grinned maniacally as he advanced towards me.

Oh flying fuck of all fucks. (2)

"You can be Optimus Prime!" he told me gleefully.

(3rd person POV)

The poor random dude who doesn't deserve a name didn't even see it coming. "What are you supposed to be old lady?"

Izumi Curtis glared threateningly at the guy. "What am I? Well, I'm... A HOUSEWIIIIFE!" she exploded at him.

Suddenly, Sid leaned over and whispered something in his wife's ear.

"What? Oh yeah!" she turned back to Dude-without-a-name and said, "Scratch that. I'm... A ZOMBIE PIRAAAATE!"

(Envy's POV)

I grinned as I snuck up behind the Fullmetal pipsqueak while wearing my new 'costume'. Tapping him on the shoulder, I tried to keep a straight face but couldn't conceal my shit-eating grin.

The shrimp's eyes widened when he saw me. "N-no... No. No. No! Not again! Please, for the love of Truth, not again!"

I watched in amusement as the shorty shoved past everything in his way while screaming, "Not again!" at the top of his lungs.

I started whistling as I walked back to the base, ignoring the murmurs of "Is that Roy Mustang?", "The Flame Alchemist?", "What is he _doing_!?", and "Is he wearing a _miniskirt_!?" and basking in the glory of mentally scarring the blonde midget.

I love Halloween!

(3rd person POV)

"Mrrooooowwwww!" The pissed off cat bolted from its hiding place and climbed up the nearest tree.

"BELIEVE IT!"

"Brother, did you just throw a shurikan at that poor cat?" (~)

"Of course! If I'm going to become the fifth Hokage, I need to practice my aim, and Hawkeye said I couldn't use Fuery anymore!" Ed pouted. Noticing his younger brother's menacing aura, Ed immediately fled for his life. Its a shame he hadn't been practicing his ninja hiding skills; the orange cloak was a dead giveaway.

(Mustang POV)

"Why god? Why did the Fuher make us dress up in something to do with our names? Why couldn't it have been something to do with our State Alchemist titles?" I whined to no one in particular. I was dressed like a goddamned horse for fuck's sake!

"Because sir," Hawkeye responded unemotionally, "he is making the entire military dress up, and not everyone is a State Alchemist."

I groaned at her stoicness. "Thank you Hawkeye," I replied sarcastically.

"It's not like you have the worst costume, Colonel. In fact, I'd say you got off pretty easily." She gestured towards her own outfit; cheap feathers had been glued to her shirt and coat, construction paper wings were hanging from her arms, and someone had ductaped a beak onto her face. She looked pissed about it, too.

"And just out of curiosity, who is in the back of your costume?" the Lieutenant asked. Like most horse costumes, this one had the awkward feature of needing two people in it; one as the head and one as the... end.

Before I could answer her, Hughes popped up from his spot as the back of the horse. "Apparently, my name isn't high enough on the coolness scale to have a costume related to it, so the Fuher allowed me to help Roy here!"

Great. "Speaking of 'not high enough', has anyone seen Fullmetal yet?" I asked.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. The shrimp burst loudly through the door as usual. What was not usual were his clothes. He was wearing jeans and a designer 'I don't care about my clothes *dramatic hair flip*' shirt (No it didn't actually say that it just... gave off the vibe). And... Were those... Major Armstrong's sparkles?

"Fullmetal, _what_ are you wearing?" I asked exasperatedly as I pinched the bridge of my nose.

The twerp flipped his hair (for real this time), sighed, and looked at me blankly. "I'm Edward Cullen."

(3rd person POV)

Havoc, Breda, Fuery, and Falman were all trick-or-treating together. Suddenly, Fuery stopped dead and stared, horrified, at something a few feet ahead of the group.

Looking up, Havoc chuckled, "Uh oh, looks like we'll have bad luck tonight; there's a black cat crossing our path."

Grinning, Breda nudged Fuery. "But hey, you have bad luck all year long. Maybe it's this cat's fault," he joked.

The action seemed to awaken Fuery from his trance. Slowly, he walked up to the cat, picked it up,... And chucked it like a football as hard as he could.

Havoc, Breda, and Falman learned two things that day: One, don't make fun of Fuery's cat phobia and two, cats don't always land on their feet. (~) (*)

(Winry's POV)

Our small group of trick-or-treaters was walking away from the most recent house, and we were all going through our loot.

"I got a fireball jawbreaker!" Colonel Mustang cheered.

"I got pop rocks!" Lieutenant Hawkeye grinned happily.

"I got a gummy eyeball!" I exclaimed.

"I got a rock," Al revealed sullenly.

"I'll trade ya!" Ed offered, "All I got was a stupid Hershey bar."

The rest of the us gasped. Everyone knows Hershey bars are the holy grail of trick-or-treating!

"You don't like Hershey's, Fullmetal?" the Colonel asked incredulously.

"Che, of course not Colonel Werewolfbanger! They're _milk_ chocolate bars!" he scoffed as he opened up a bag of M&M's and popped one in his mouth.

Mustang was about to say something about the fact that M&M's are milk chocolate too, but I tripped him and Al 'conveniently' coughed to cover up the small thump. I covered his mouth with my hand and whispered, "What he doesn't know won't hurt him!" while watching to make sure that neither Ed nor Hawkeye had noticed.

Nodding, Mustang stood up and continued walking as if nothing had happened.

'I'll tell him _after_ the candy is all gone.'

(3rd person POV)

Everyone in the office flinched as the door slammed open to reveal a frantic, coatless, panting Ed. "HAS ANYONE SEEN AN OLD FRENCH DUDE PUNNING AROUND IN NOTHING BUT A BLONDE WIG AND MY CLOAK!?" he screeched hysterically.

Dumbfounded, everyone mutely shook their heads.

Swearing, Ed turned and sprinted out of the room and down the hall. A few seconds later, they heard him shrieking, "DAMNIT JASPER! GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK YOUR NAKED ASS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GATE! AND GIVE ME BACK MY CLOAK, GATE DAMNIT!"

Everyone's Costumes!

Ed: Naruto! (Edward Cullen for the military's dress up day)

Al: Optimus Prime!

Winry: Sailor Moon!

Pinako: Yoda.

Hoenheim: Dumbledore.

Mustang: the Mad Hatter! (a horse for the military's dress up day)

Hawkeye: Red Riding Hood (a bird for the military's dress up day)

Black Hayate: The wolf from Red Riding Hood!

Havoc: A homunculus (he used the same costume for the military's dress up day)

Fuery: A cat. (homunculus Fury for the military's dress up day)

Breda: A clown (A loaf of bread for the military's dress up day)

Falman: Darth Vader (was 'sick' on the military's dress up day)

Envy: Mustang in a miniskirt, a tall version of Ed, and Pride/Fuher Bradley in a thong.

Lust: She _was_ a succubus, but she wasn't wearing her costume for long. (A/N: *wink wink**nudge nudge*)

Gluttony: The world's most adorable flesh-eating pumpkin!

Pride/Fuher Bradley: A ninja (Was too 'busy' to dress up for the Military's dress up day)

Wrath: A power ranger! (The pink one. He said it was because pink is the closest to purple, but no one believed him.)

Greed: Michael Jackson

Sloth: Wonder Woman

Dante: A playboy bunny. (A/N: *shudders* That was almost too painful to write.)

Scar: Scar (from the Lion King!)

**(1) My mom seriously says this. No joke. It's like a family motto. xD**

**(2) Yes, I actually say this. It's fun! Try it!**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 14**

**(~)'s: 6**

**A/N: Well there you have it! I was writing the part with the naked old dude while I was in class, and I was so scared someone would ask me what I was writing! Jeez I'm glad no one did! Anywho, happy late Halloween! Try not to die of sugar overdose! ...Though I wouldn't blame you if you did! ;)**

**Please review!**


	8. Thirteen & Fourteen

**A/N: I'm back bitches! And non-bitches! Who missed me? *hears half-hearted applause* Clap or I'll discontinue the story. *everyone claps* That's right. Anywho, I need to thank elysenjazz for helping me come up with some ideas for this chapter! She gets a cookie! (Don't worry, I stole it from Wrath, because Roy stole all of Ed's) Now onward with the story!**

**Warnings: May cause explosions of the mind. Contains extreme stupidity, Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, disturbing mental images, and Ed's alcoholic tendancies. Ye be warned!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own the Great Cthulhu or the Dollar Store.**

13. Successfully rob a business without being caught (Security Guard Dude's POV)

I blinked disbelievingly at the monitor in front of me. On the screen, a black-an-white image streaming from the museum's surveillance cameras showed that a suit of armor that had been moved there that morning was not only moving around, it was picking up artifacts and putting them inside itself.

To say I was shocked was an understatement. I wondered what I should do about it; no one would believe me if I said that the suit of armor had stolen the entire collection of Xerxian artifacts. I couldn't do nothing about it, though! I'd be blamed for the crime, even with the security tapes confirming my story.

Determined, I picked up the nearest pen (it was one of those fucking amazing pens that have six different colored inks to switch between that they sell at book fairs) and began my letter of resignation, switching colors every four or five words.

Ed's Attempt (Nurse Chick in the military hospital's POV)

I gaped in shock at the patient in front of me, trying to hold down my nausea. It looked like this kid had been stabbed, hit by a truck, flayed alive, sacrificed to the great god Cthulhu (1), roasted over a fire (cooked medium-rare of course), chucked into a lake to hide the evidence, and later fished out by a drunk fisherman who thought the body was a dead fish.

And, of course, he _had_. But he was still alive.

'Good _Gate_, who could have done this!?' I thought frantically while still trying not to puke.

Suddenly, the boy's golden eyes snapped open. "I'M SORRY TEACHER! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" he screeched dementedly. His eyes locked onto mine and he calmed down somewhat. "All I wanted was some bacon... She owns a butcher shop... I didn't think Teacher would... Oh Truth, did she really cut off my..." he trailed off before falling unconscious.

'That's it.' I decided, 'I'm going to quit this job and run off with a former security guard or something.'

14. Bullhorns. (Ed's POV)

"Hey, Brother, guess what I found!" Al said as he walked into our room, holding something behind his armored back.

"What?" I asked lazily from bed. I still had a hang-over from last night; I couldn't remember most of it, but the parts I did remember, I wished I didn't. Ugh. Those poor cats. (~)(*)

I gaped in horror as Al pulled a vuvuzela (2) from behind him. Noticing the evil smirk on his nonexistent face, I pleaded, "No, please Al! I'll never get drunk again just don-"

I was interrupted as Al lifted the instrument of torture to his helmet and (don't ask how; I don't know) blew as hard as he could. All silence was instantly shattered as the loud note filled the room (hell, the whole Gatedamn _country_ probably heard it!) and wreaked havoc on my already aching ears and head. I'm pretty sure my brain exploded.

After hearing what Al said next, I half-wished it had.

"That's revenge for when you ductaped that bullhorn to Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XXIII (the 23rd)! (~) Oh, and by the way, Teacher, Barry the Chopper, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes, Truth, and I are going to start a band!"

Ed's Attempt (3rd person POV)

Ed was severely pissed off. First, Colonel Puppykicker had snuck up behind him, put an airhorn to his ear, and pushed the button ("Wow, Fullmetal, you jumped so high, you were almost up to my shoulders for a second."). Then Al had decided it would be hilarious to put a bullhorn under the cushion on Ed's favorite chair ("Jeez, Brother, how did you know that's where I was hiding Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XXIV (the 24th)?" he had asked, smirking.).

Well, if everyone had declared the day 'National Scare the Crap Out of People With Bullhorns Day' , Ed would be damned before he was left out of it.

After buying a cheap airhorn from the Cenz Store (3) Ed went to the red payphone that stood just outside the store (**A/N: Yes, ****_that _payphone. Poor Hughes. T^T**) and proceeded to call Colonel Smartass.

"Hello?" a voice asked as the person answered the phone, only to nearly go deaf as his ears were assaulted by an ungodly noise at an unholy volume. Or at least, that's what Ed assumed.

"HAHAHAHA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, EH COLONEL BASTARD!?"

"Edward Elric... This is not you commanding officer. This is Fuher Bradley," a deadly calm voice told him.

'Oh shit.' Ed thought wildly. He decided to disregard his hatred for formality in that one situation. "I SINCERELY APOLOGISE FUHER BRADLEY, SIR!" Ed called into the phone, saluting even though no one was around. Well, there was an old lady who was looking at him like he was crazy, but no one cares about her.

_Meanwhile in Colonel Mustang's office:_

The Colonel handed a large amount of cenz to the eye-patched man in front of him. "Thank you very much, Fuher Bradley, for answering my phone for me," he smirked victoriously as he said it.

The Fuher simply raised one eyebrow at the Colonel, waiting for something. Sighing, Mustang pulled a cookie out from somewhere on his desk and handed it to Fuher Bradley.

The man/homunculus smiled and took the home-baked deliciousness. "Think nothing of it, Colonel," the Fuher replied, "It was my pleasure." Both men were pleased to have completely ruined Fullmetal's mental stability for the day.

Tomorrow, however, was a different day.

**(1) Praise be to Cthulhu. Yes, it's real. Look it up if you don't believe me.**

**(2) Not the vuvuzelas! Seriously though, I'm on a role with the random words that no one understands! Woot!**

**(3) The Dollar Store! :3**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 15**

**(~)'s: 8**

**A/N: I thought I'd be nice and stay up super late to update for you guys even though I have to get up early in the morning, so review! And please check out my other fic, Only Human. Sorry if there are any major mistakes I didn't see! Tell me if you notice anything wrong! Okay. Done. Sleep time. *passes out***


	9. Fifteen & Sixteen

**A/N: Hola mi compadres! Man, I hope I spelled that right! Welcome to another chapter of Relatively Few Kittens! This one is a little shorter than most of the others, but it's (hopefully) just as funny as the others!**

**Warnings: May cause explosions of the mind. Contains extreme stupidity, Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, disturbing mental images, and hints at *ahem* ****_grown-up_**** behavior. If you can't handle that, I'm frankly surprised you made it this far.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own Clue, Naruto, or Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.**

15. Play real-life Clue (1) (third person POV)

"It was Colonel Mustard in Ishbal with the gloves!" Ed shrieked as he pointed accusingly at Colonel Cookiestealer. **(A/N: *noming on cookies* I didn't do it.)**

"Nope. It couldn't be," Havoc interjected, "He was in the Fuher's office with one of his... lady friends."

Jaws all around the table dropped. A chorus of 'The _Fuher's _office!?' rang out as everyone turned, wide-eyed to the Colonel.

Mustang looked coolly at Havoc. "How did you know?"

Havoc rubbed the back of his neck and blushed slightly. "You know that system that the Fuher uses to make announcements? One of you must have turned it on."

Al suddenly gasped. "So _that's _what that was!"

"Okay, next person!" Roy declared, flushing slightly.

"My turn!" Envy called, not quite knowing how he was dragged into this, but enjoying it all the same. He turned to Alphonse. "It was the pipsqueak's brother in Mustang's office with the cat!" (2)

All hell broke loose.

Fuery turned and jumped out of the nearest window, screaming, and shouts rang out from various parts of the room.

"It was Miss Scarlet in the First Library with the Hand of Justice!"

"Who decided that I would be Miss Scarlet!? It is unholy!"

"It was Mrs. White in Dublith with the butcher knives!"

"Racist bastards."

"It was Mrs. Peacock in Central with the short rants!"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT PEOPLE THINK HE'S A CHICK!?"

"It was Lust in the Fuher's office with Mustang," Envy informed them all smugly.

Everything stilled almost instantly.

"_GROSS_!"

Ed's Attempt (3rd person POV)

Once everyone had stopped puking and gotten back to their seats (excluding Fuery who was in the psychiatric ward again after he landed on Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XXV (the 25th) when he jumped out of the window. (*) Hawkeye had the hospital's phone number on speed-dial by that point), the game restarted. Soon, however, it once again descended into chaos.

"It was Armstrong in East HQ with the shirtlessness and sparkles!" Everyone present shuddered.

"IT WAS FALMAN IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET WITH HAVOC'S GIRLFRIEND!" Major Armstrong bellowed.

"You did _what_!?" Havoc raged.

Falman hurried to get the attention off of him. "It was Mr. Green in Ishbal with his androgenousness!"

Envy tried to strangle Falman but was restrained by several soldiers that had been stationed in the room just for that purpose. "It was the shorty in the Fifth Laboratory with the automail!" he growled.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORTER THAN MUSTANG'S MINISKIRT, PALMTREE!?" Ed took a calming breath. "It was the gearhead in Risembool with the wrench of doom!" Ed accused.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A GEARHEAD, MIDGET!?" Winry screeched, wielding her wrench of doom.

He was immediately rushed to the hospital to be treated for severe brain damage.

16. Elric family library trip! (Flashback) (3rd person POV)

With all the chaos being caused be Edward, everyone was thankful for the younger Elric sitting quietly in a corner of the library, and no one bothered to check what Alphonse was reading.

He had finished two-thirds of the Icha Icha series (2) before his mother decided it was time to go. Years later, Al finally understood who the person on the cover of Icha Icha Tactics was. He never read another romance novel again.

Ed's Attempt (Trisha's POV)

I sighed as I heard my eldest son shouting at me from the next aisle. "Yes Edward? What's wrong?" I asked calmly. I'd learned long ago that if you didn't stay calm, everything will go to hell in a handbasket and the next thing you know, the house will be on fire. Even if I were to be dying from some incurable disease, I would have to _stay calm_. Not that _that_ could ever happen, though.

"Al said I look like one of the characters in this book!"

"What book was it, honey?" Please, for the love of god, don't be-

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarves!"

Inwardly, I groaned. Out loud, I said, "Sweety, I'm sure Alphonse didn't mean it. Why don't you go ask him if you heard him wrong?"

"Yes, Mother," Ed grumbled as I heard him trudging away. I had a brief moment of peace before an indignant shout rang out from the other side of the library. "MOM! THERE'S A GIGANTIC SPIDER OVER HERE! OH MY GOD IT'S TURNING THIS WAY! IT'S- AHHHHHHH!"

Seconds later, Edward charged past me, shrieking in terror, with a spider on his head. It _was _rather huge.

Goodness, it was worse that what happened to Alphonse's cat, Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin **(A/N: The first!)**! (~)(*) Despite my efforts to calm him down, my son continued bawling at the top of his lungs and careening around the entire library, eluding every librarian's attempts to catch the little bas- I mean boy.

'Well, he _is_ a prodigy afterall,' I thought wryly to myself.

Eventually, I assume the spider climbed onto his face to where he couldn't see where he was going, because Edward soon crashed head-first into a tall bookshelf. The books immediately toppled on top of the poor boy, completely burying him and killing the demonic spider.

No one helped him as he struggled free of his paper-filled tomb.

**(1) Clue is an old-ish game that I hope you have all played! But if you haven't, part of the game is where you accuse one of the other characters of being the murderer. You say the name of the person, the place they did it, and the weapon they used. I hope that clears it up for you young-uns who've never played Clue!**

**(2) From chapter 1. ;)**

**(3) It's that book that Kakashi from Naruto is always reading. Do a google images search to see the cover of Icha Icha Tactics. Trust me, it's hilarious!**

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 17**

**(~)'s: 9**

**A/N: So how was it? I'm not losing my touch am I? Haha. But seriously, I'm running out of ideas here! Review or PM me if you have any suggestions or just to tell me what you want to see more of!**


	10. 17 & 18 & 19

**A/N: *dodges heavy objects and rotten fruit being thrown at me* SORRY! I can't believe I haven't updated in over a month! But hey, when I first started writing this, I had no intention of posting it. Oh well. Anywho, on to the important stuff! This chapter is about... *drumroll* history! *chorus of boo's* Its funny history, though! So as to the details of how they got there and how they know about the stuff they talk about, IGNORE IT. Just go with the flow. That said, good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor!**

**Warnings: May cause explosions of the mind. Contains extreme stupidity, slight-Fuery bashing, mild OOCness, swearing, death and/or torture of kittens, implied sinfulness of Santa, drugs, and maybe slight offensiveness to hippies. If you can't handle that, I'm frankly surprised you made it this far.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Nor do I own Naruto, Harry Potter, the movie 300, My Little Pony, or Poptarts.**

17. Become ninjas (Narrated by Hawkeye) **(A/N: If anyone outside the story speaks, it will be in **_italics_**)**

Along time ago, there lived a great ninja who fought for the powers of rainbows and goodness and cookies. This ninja went by many names: One, All, Universe, Truth, and even-

_"Wrong person, Hawkeye!"_

Well who am I supposed to be introducing?

_"Me! Just read the script we gave you!"_

Tsk, tsk, Edward. Another story about you? Well anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. This ninja went by many names. He was called The Shrimp of Doom in some places. To others, he was The Golden Midget or That-Short-Dude-Who-Stole-My-Sister's-Hair-Tie. But most just called him the Fullmetal Ninja.

_"WHO CAME UP WITH THOSE NAMES!?"_

They were a collaboration between the Colonel and Envy, and if you don't stop interrupting, I will refer to you as 'the midget' in every sentence for the rest of the story. Now, one day the Fullmetal Ninja and his companion, the great, powerful, and fearsome Alphonse-

_"How come I get 'midget' and Al gets 'great, powerful, and fearsome'!?"_

_"I'm not that scary, right Brother?"_

_"Well Señor Fluffykins Sugarmuffin XXVI (the 26th) died of a heart attack when it saw you." (*)_

Quiet, you. One more time, and your name shall forever be Midget. No other comments? Good. He was traveling with Alphonse when they came upon some androgynous freak with green, palmtreeish hair standing in front of them. He... she... it... grinned at them and said,

"I have come to prevent you from fulfilling your journey, Warrior Pipsqueak."

Because this story happened a long time ago, they will all be speaking like characters from a bad kung-fu movie. Fullmetal was glaring at the newcomer when Al gasped and said,

"Brother! This stranger is the man who stole Mother's sacred cookie of life!"

Way back when ninjas roamed and dinosaurs were cars, everyone had a cookie of life; this meant that a person wouldn't die unless someone ate their cookie. In that time, most people didn't live past five years old.

_"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."_

That's it, Shrimp! Don't make me get my pistol! Ahem, when the Fullmetal Midget recognised the palmtree in front of him as Envy the Jealous, the man who killed entire villages just because he apparently hated cookies, he declared angrily,

"You have torn my family in two. Normally, your death would be swift and painless, but you do not deserve such kindness! No, you shall suffer before I end your life!"

Instead of drawing a weapon as his opponent expected, the Pipsqueak clapped his hands together and transmuted a weapon that a fellow blond ninja in ridiculously bright colored clothing **(A/N: *cough*Naruto reference*cough*) **had recommended to him, though the Shorty had tweaked it a bit. It was the most awful thing any of them had ever seen. It was...

"Shogun Armstrong in a bikini!?"

"AHHH! MY ONE WEAKNESS! IT BURNS!"

As the poor homunculus tried desperately to not think about the image that had been permanently _seared into his retinas_, the Fullshorty Ninja glared down at him and asked,

"Who sent you?"

The man coughed pitifully as his body began to crumble into dust. The Midget Ninja ignored that as it happened all the time and was perfectly normal. Envy struggled to form the answer but eventually said,

"We are known as... the Seven Secret Sins of... Santa Clause."

The shrimp grabbed Envy, shaking him as he demanded frantically,

"Who else!? Who are the other Sins!?"

Envy smirked painfully as the rest of his body disintegrated and replied in a way that he knew would infuriate the midget. He said,

"Yur mom, pipsqueak."

And so, the Elric Ninjas lived happily ever after. The Shrimp of Doom never lost another battle due to his newest and most horrible weapon, and Alphonse became a therapist to help rehabilitate those who were unfortunate enough to survive their encounters with his brother. And aside from that one incident with the cat and the demon chicken-

_"Brother..."_

_"I didn't do it Al, I swear!" (~)(*)_

-nothing bad ever happened to them ever again.

18. SPARTA! (3rd person POV)

Dante stared in disbelief at the object in her husband's hands. "You can't kill me with that, Hoenheim."

"You called My Little Pony gay!" he cried in outrage, brandishing his weapon.

"How the hell was I supposed to know you're a brony!? But that's not what I meant. I meant you seriously can't kill me with that; its a freaking stick. Not even a branch or a sharp stick. Its just a stick."

Hoenheim, if possible, got even angrier. "I'll show you! Avada kedavra!" When whatever he was expecting didn't happen, he waved the stick around some before chucking it at Dante's head. It stabbed her in the eye.

"Ow! What the fuck, Hoenheim!?"

"Ah ha! It worked!"

Dante snapped a spare Fuher Bradley-ish (though he didn't exist yet) eyepatch on before glaring (with one eye) at Hoenheim of Light, "You can't do this! You can't kill your wife!"

The man stopped raging, though he met her glare with one of his own. "You insulted Rainbow Dash, shaved off half my beard, and worst, you ATE. THE LAST. POPTART!"

The Bitch (for that is to be her name from now on) stared at him incredulously. "But you don't care that I helped sacrifice the entire country of Xerxes? All for my own selfish desires?" Blank stare from Hoenheim. "This is blasphemy. This is madness!"

"No. This. Is. SPARTTTAAAA!" While the Bitch was confused, the alchemist brought out another stick and flung it at the Bitch's head, shouting, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

The stick bounced harmlessly off the Bitch's eyepatch, but then a brunette woman came flying out of nowhere and drop-kicked the Bitch into a bottomless pit that had magically appeared out of nowhere.

"Thank god," the woman said, "I was practicing my karate when I missed the practice dummy and went flying! Its a good thing I didn't hit anyone important!"

Hoenheim stared at her in awe. "Marry me?"

The woman gazed blankly at him a bit before shrugging, "Sure, why not? My name's Trisha, by the way."

And as the two walked happily into the sunset, Trisha turned to her new husband and said, "Wouldn't it be weird if in a few years, I died and you disappeared and our two children ended up fighting to the death against your ex-wife's seven inhuman 'children'?"

The blond future father of Ed and Al Elric chuckled. "Come on, Trisha. What are the chances of _that _happening? That's like saying our children cause a nationwide massacre of cats." **(A/N: I'm not even going to bother adding that to the Official Kitten Count.)**

19. The 70's, maaaan!

"Brother, I don't think you're supposed to be on acid and cannabis at the same time." Due to his armored body, Al couldn't join the others in their celebration of _life_ and _flowers_ and _love_, so he was the designated 'make-sure-we-don't-kill-each-other-while-we're-high' guy.

"Free love, man," Ed responded, passing the joint to Mustang, "Besides, when have I ever done anything dangerous or stupid?" Havoc giggled. Ed blinked. "Don't answer that."

"You know what'd be awesome?" Mustang asked them as he passed the joint to Hawkeye. "Free love... but, like, with paperwork... So... If I wanted to go, like... explode stuff... I could make you guys do it!" he finished with a wide, dopey grin.

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. Some people just couldn't handle their dr- 'Is that a butterfly!?' The blonde Lieutenant happily watched the butterfly land on Edward's cheek. 'I'll name you Fluffy, and you shall be my fluffy,' she told it mentally because, obviously, their connection was deep enough to let them communicate with thoughts.

Fuery was staring into the corner of the room in horror, presumably because of the giant spider/cat/dragon he was hallucinating. It was glaring at him and licking its lips hungrily.

"Hey, Colonel Pothead," Ed cracked up at his own wittiness, "Do you-" Giggle. "Do you like cookies?"

Mustang nodded eagerly, knocking a glass of organic orange juice onto the passed out Breda. "Like, yeah!"

Ed grinned evilly (well, as evilly as a completely stoned person could grin) and said, "Well, too bad, man. I ate them." He began cackling dementedly.

_**SMACK!**_

Mustang stood, glaring at Ed with intense hatred. Ed held his cheek in shock. That bastard had slapped him!

"NNNOOOOOOOO!"

Everyone, excluding the unconscious Breda and the still preoccupied Fuery, froze and turned to Riza Hawkeye as she stared in horror at a place by Ed's feet. Suddenly, the sniper rushed over to the spot, shoving Ed out of the way, and kneeled, wailing, "Nooo! Fluffy! You, like, had so much to live for!" Then she sniffed and promised, "I'll avenge you, Fluffy. I swear." Eyes blazing, she stood up and walked towards Mustang. Al had confiscated all guns, transmutation circles, pointy things, and that odd stick that Ed claimed to have inherited from his father ("He said he killed an evil witch with it!"), but that wouldn't stop her.

The Flame Alchemist was backing away slowly, hands up in surrender, when he tripped over his out-cold subordinate.

"No! No! I'll court-martial you, Hawk- AHHHHHHH!"

**Official Kitten Count:**

**(*)'s: 19**

**(~)'s: 10**

**A/N: NOTICE: This fanfic is almost done! At most, it will have two or three more chapters! I'm sorry but I've run out of ideas! Please review though!**


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